You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
