Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
