i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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