Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
