Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
