If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
