Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Randomize
