i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
