Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
