We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
