wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
