my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
