so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
