Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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