Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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