yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
