I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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