I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
