Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
