STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
