In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
