My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
