I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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