I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
