Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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