I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
