the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
