she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
