ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
The ass gains better be worth it
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