I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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