he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
