when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
