its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Randomize
