I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
