Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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