the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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