The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
