We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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