Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
We had sex on a dog bed..
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize