you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Randomize
