I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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