By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
