Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
