You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Randomize
