i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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