I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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