We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
