he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
