you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Randomize
