Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
